Easily Distracted
by streco
Summary: “But my kind... we’re very easily distracted.” Edward’s tortured thoughts while leaving Bella in New Moon.


So, you know how I talked about that whole thing – where I like to see characters get hurt, and see the reactions around them? I'm a Bella/Edward, Team Edward gal, and yet, I think New Moon may be my favorite book out of all three so far. I'm not sure why. I wish we could see more of how Edward is tortured by Bella's pain, which is why I'm writing this one shot, and sometimes even more of Bella's pain. I love to see emotion between people.

Yes, for the record, I _am _rereading New Moon. Again.

Easily Distracted

"Come for a walk with me."

Six words. So simple. A six-year-old could echo them back to me if I requested it, yet the effort behind keeping them calm was ridiculous. My dead heart was breaking, if possible, with every movement I made, using every ounce of strength I possessed to keep my face composed. My insides were self-destructing as I walked, and it didn't matter that I lacked the power read Bella's mind. I knew exactly what she was thinking.

I was leaving her. I was sick of putting her in danger; I loved her too much to endanger her with my mere existence. I would suffer greatly – any moment spent not in the presence of Bella was painful – but she'd recover, and that was all that mattered.

Now, holding her hand for the last time, I reconsidered. What if I were extra-careful? Didn't get too close? Didn't bring her to the house?

It was still a risk. She'd be unhappy. She could be killed, in which case I'd never forgive myself.

Releasing her hand, I leant against a tall tree, watching her from a short distance. Her cheeks were heating up in fear, and I longed to hold her in my arms and whisper that it would be okay. But that was impossible. I kept my face blank, and she said, "Okay, let's talk." Her brave voice was faux.

The deep breath I took was painful. "Bella, we're leaving."

She mimicked my breath. "Why now?" she asked calmly, clearing misinterpreting. "Another year—"

"Bella, it's time," I cut in. "How much longer could we stay in Forks, after all? Carlisle can barely pass for thirty, and he's claiming thirty-three now. We'd have to start over soon again regardless."

Lies. The lies spilled from my lips so easily that I loathed myself.

Her eyebrows knitted in confusion, an expression I already missed, and she processed this in her mind. Every square inch of my body ached, and I struggled to keep up my façade.

When she answered, her voice was a murmur. "When you say _we—_"

"I mean my family and myself."

She shook her head back and forth, not liking his answer. "Okay," she finally said after a pause, "I'll come with you."

"You can't, Bella. Where we're going…" I struggled to find a lie, "It's not the right place for you."

Her face turned to despair. "Where you are is the right place for me."

"I'm no good for you, Bella."

Her voice was a plea now. "Don't be ridiculous. You're the very best part of my life."

"My world is not for you."

The pieces of the puzzle quickly snapped together in her head. "What happened with Jasper—that was nothing, Edward! Nothing!"

"You're right. It was exactly what was to be expected."

"You promised! In Phoenix, you promised that you would stay—"

She'd caught me, my observational love, but I didn't let it show. "As long as that was best for you," I said. The sobs were swirling in my throat, but I didn't let them escape. Not yet. Nothing could be released just yet.

"_No!_" she shouted, and I could tell she was desperate. "This is about my soul, isn't it? Carlisle told me about that, and I don't care, Edward. I don't care! You can have my soul. I don't want it without you—it's yours already!" Hysteria made her pitch climb octaves.

My eyes trailed to the dirt, tracing unreadable shapes in the mud. My lips almost parted, a sad cry nearly creeping out, but I twisted them back together. I looked back up at her, adding extra effort to keep my face completely wiped.

The hardest words I'd ever spoken trailed out of my lips. "Bella, I don't want you to come with me," I said, and it sounded stiff and rehearsed.

She didn't notice; she sucked in the words like a sponge and instantly everything change—her posture shifted to weak, her eyes looked lost, frightened, helpless—she was the same Bella I'd saved from Tyler's van, now; vulnerable, horrified, alone.

"You… don't… want me?" she pushed out, clearly confused at the way they added up.

"No," I said firmly. Her eyes met mine, and she stared, disbelieving. Deep in her heart, she knew I was joking—thought I'd shout, "April Fools!" and ruffle her hair and then kiss her. Somewhere deep inside, she loved me enough that she believed this… which was the problem.

"Well, _that _changes things," she replied, her voice numb.

I looked away, unable to see her like this and lie at the same time. "Of course, I'll always love you…" Until the world stops revolving, until your heart stops beating, until Earth ceases to exist, until the cows come home, "… in a way. But what happened the other night made me realize that it's time for a change. Because I'm…" Selfish and have been putting my wants before your safety, which is the most important thing to me, "…_tired _of pretending to be something I'm not, Bella. I'm not human."

My line of sight met hers again, struggling to keep myself functioning without screaming. "I've let this go on much to long, and I'm sorry for that," I added.

"Don't." Her voice was a wicked whisper. She was angry. She was betrayed. I'd promised her something and found a loophole that she'd never seen. Would this make the break easier? "Don't do this."

"You're not good for me, Bella."

Her mouth opened and shut. She waited a second. "If… that's what you want."

Ridiculous! I was ripping her heart out, stepping on it, never to return again… and all she was concerned about was me. I nodded curtly, feeling the ache return with every action I made.

She slumped a bit to one side without even noticing, and there was physical pain involved when I refrained from pulling her into my arms.

"I would like to ask one favor, though, if that's not too much."

Hope instantly lit up her face, tearing another hole through my abdomen that would never sew itself shut, and I felt my control slip, agony seeping through to my features. I quickly recomposed.

"Anything."

My eyes revealed my emotion, I was sure. "Don't do anything reckless or stupid," I demanded, but my voice wasn't all that loud. Weak. Pained. "Do you understand what I'm saying?"

She nodded, looking like a small child on her first day of school in a big new school.

"I'm thinking of Charlie, of course," I added suddenly. "He needs you. Take care of yourself—" I cut off… and then decided, "For him."

"I will," she promised softly.

"And I'll make you a promise in return," I offered. "I promise that this will be the last time you'll see me. I won't come back. I won't put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without any more interference from me. It will be as if I never existed."

I understood that for Bella, this was the words promise I could make her. Her body began t tremor, the love for her inside me roaring like some untamable beast. My smile was forced when I said, "Don't worry. You're human—your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for you kind."

"And your memories?" she asked, her voice choking.

"Well"—I paused to search for something in my mind—"I won't forget. But _my _kind… we're very easily distracted."

I took a step back. I needed to be free from here, somewhere I could release my pent up feelings, break something beneath my conflicted fists. It was unbearable, doing this. "That's everything, I suppose. We won't bother you again."

Of course, my Bella caught what I wished she wouldn't. "Alice isn't coming back." Her voice shivered with each syllable she spoke.

I shook my head slowly, keeping my eyes on her. "No. They're all gone. I stayed behind to tell you goodbye."

"Alice is gone?"

"She wanted to say goodbye, but I convinced her that a clean break would be better for you."

Her body lurched again, but she didn't notice. Her breath started coming in gasps. M insides shredded.

"Goodbye, Bella," I muttered in a serene voice. Each breath I took was even more labored than before, now.

I began to turn, but she staggered toward me. "Wait!" Her arms reached toward me, but I grabbed her wrists, pressed them to her sides, and kissed her on the forehead.

"Take care of yourself," I begged, and then I was gone.

My run took me deep, deep into the forest, deeper than where we had hunted when we lived in Forks. When I made it to a small clearing, I didn't even stop—I just let myself fall forward onto to the brush, my teeth clenched and my breath hitching in sobs. I let out a roar, scaring a flock of birds from the tree they'd been in, and allowed myself to cry without tears.

Love, life, meaning…over.

With my acute hearing, I could hear Bella, miles away, the only thing that dare disturb the forest. Her stumbling hurt me more, and I cried out in agony, knowing she could not hear me.

If only I weren't damned to this life, I thought bitterly to myself. Only if I weren't what I am. If only we could grow old together, if only, if only.

Painfully, I thought over our conversation. How I'd managed to remain functioning was a mystery, but I thought of one phrase I'd said.

"_But _my _kind… we're very easily distracted."_

There was no way I could ever be distracted from Bella. An impossible feat that I had presented myself with.

So as I lay in the grass of the forest, where Bella now stumbled from pain that I had inflicted, I felt seconds—or were they hours?—tick by, and the hole gradually ate away at my chest.

There was no such thing as a distraction.

And there wouldn't be.

For the rest of eternity.

* * *

Quotes Sweeney Todd: "Hmmmm… I don't know… what do you think?"

I think… it was _okay_.

I'm not a teary girl. I don't cry in any movies (except for Titanic). Books have a power to make me cry, and if I lacked control, I'd sob uncontrollably when Edward leaves Bella. ): So sad.

Anyways. I just needed to write this, get it out of the way.

Review, please!


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